clearlly

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 05:10:09 GMT

I need to stop dating boys who already have girlfriends. :/

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 03:31:15 GMT

Cate hates me for irrational reasons I don't understand.
Rae isn't giving me anything but one-word responses anymore.
Jenn... I never see this year.
Clare has a new boyfriend. She's busy. She never knows when I'm upset.
Matt's freezing me out.
Best friend and I are growing too distant.

I just feel like there's no one anymore. Every time I turn to go talk to a group of people, there's someone there I just don't know how to interact with anymore. I can't talk to any of my best friends anymore. I can't ask what the homework assignment is, or can I borrow a pen, or what do you want to do on Saturday. I can't bring myself to be anywhere near them. So I hide.

Between classes I go to class alone. At lunch I avoid the cafeteria or all our usual hangouts like a plague. I go off and sit by myself and wonder what the fuck I did wrong to isolate myself like this. All the people I usually talk to, and I can't go to any of them anymore.

The second I get home from school, I fall into bed and nap until dinner, force myself out of bed, nap until eight, start homework, bed by one in the morning. I've run out of ideas for what there is to do. I forget what I used to do for fun or entertainment.

The worst part is that I just don't care.
A year ago, this would have eaten at me. I would be crying all the time, bitching to everyone who would hear me, then crying some more, cutting, getting sick to my stomach, watching sad movies. But right now all I want to do, all I really really want, is to get back to bed. To take a nap. I am alone. I am drawing myself away from everyone who used to care.

And I can't bring myself to give a damn about it.

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 23:23:49 GMT

I asked you why you seemed down lately, why you won't look at me or talk to me the way you used to. You said, "I'm fine." But I didn't believe it, so I asked everyone else. "He's fine," they said. "Nothing is different.

But something is.

There are no more high-fives in the hallway, no more jokes, no more walking to class with me, no more sitting together at lunch. Because you're perfectly fine, not a care in the world... but you don't care about me anymore. You don't give a damn. Weeks and months of becoming besties has crumbled down to nothing. We're strangers again.

Two days ago when I was feeling like shit you consoled me for three hours and told me you cared. Why did you change your mind? Why tell me one thing and immediately enact on the opposite?

I'm not going to talk this out with you because clearly you don't want to talk. Which is fine. if you want this friendship to be over, fine, it's over. Just don't tell me you'll be there for me and then kick me to the curb twelve hours later.

It's Better to Be Hated for Who You Are...

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:37:40 GMT

...then liked for who you are not.

I always thought that that was the creed of people who are hated for who they are. It's like it's some kind of glimmer of hope to look at the people they consider fake and criticize, calling them artificial. And maybe that's true- maybe I am right, maybe that's what it was at its conception.

Being loved for who you aren't... it's an amazing feeling. You're an actress, you're a mistress of emotion, you're a genius capable of making people believe what you want them to believe, perceive how you want them to perceive. It's power, it's kind of a rush. You're the woman of a million faces, and you find the face that works best, that pleases if the most. You put it on. It's fun being someone else, isn't it? It's a vice for people like me, the painfully insecure, the painfully self-hating. It's an indulgence to suddenly find yourself surrounded with people who love you, who have never seen the real you, but who the hell cares if it's not the real you? You're invincible, on top of the world. You're the one holding the reins. You're the one who told them how to see you, so you're the one in control. It's glorious. I can't even describe the feeling.

Better to be loved for who you aren't than hated for who you are.

But what happens when you're hated for who you aren't?

The opposite end of the spectrum, the lowest of lows. You can't tell those who hate you that they don't really hate you, that they hate the person you've been pretending to be, because- well, what's worse than being that kind of faker, that kind of liar? You can't think of anything dirtier, even though you've done it. So you put up with the hatred, try to get your way out of it but can't, try to ask for forgiveness but don't get any. And who's there to comfort you? All the people that love the you you've created? Only who are they trying to help? They're trying to help the persona, the fake you, but the fake you isn't the one that's hurting. The one that's hurting is you, the real you, the only you capable of feeling pain because the one you created is invincible. So they're comforting the wrong person, the only one they know because you never let them to know the real you, and you've no idea if they give a fuck about the real you at all because the real you is the stranger.

So meanwhile the real you is under there, somewhere, covering under the fake you, who's getting burned up by criticism, buttered up by superficial support. But in the end it all means nothing. That you is a creation, a mindless drone, the shadow on the cave wall.

So what do you do? How do you fix it?

How do you make your critics love you? How do you gain confidence from false compliments? Do you have to end the lie, or keep it up for fear of seeming weak?

What would you do?

Tell you what [i]I[/i]'d do, though. Here's what I'd do:
I'd walk away. I'd leave it all behind. It doesn't mattered, it never mattered. If it had been so important to me, I wouldn't have lied. But I wouldn't be leaving them forever. I'd be leaving the false me, the memory, the soulless body, to be devoured or doted on or whatever anybody once. The lifeless puppet. They can keep it.

I'd be done with it.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 16:40:50 GMT

the weather is nice and my windows are open, and my laundry is actually clean. the little things, how they make me happy.

I've been something of a bridgetroll the last week or so, doing nothing but hiding in the shadows and roaring "NONE SHALL PASS" at anyone I happen to encounter. Dunno what the source of this irritability is, considering I'm not premenstrual or anything. I was bitchy to Matt, even, who has wound up becoming essentially my bestest buddy ever, so, like... I feel bad and all. He's starting to get on my nerves, and I was being very obstinate in the days afterwards- "HE DESERVED IT. HE'S SUCH A FUCKING KNOW-IT-ALL"- but last night I got to thinking. This summer, a bunch of kids in my grade (myself included in this one) did summer programs at colleges. So laaate last night I was on facebook, being a creep, looking at all these albums... full of people I'd never seen before, will never meet, from high schools in places like Glen Cove, New York; Oakford, Indiana; Surprise, Arizona. It's hardly a revealation, but it filled me with the feeling that this time next year, that's going to be happening more and more- the faces of people I know, surrounded by people that I don't. I think, "that's my Hannah" or "that's my Becca" or "that's my Brett." But next year, they won't me MINE anymore- they'll belong to the people they're with. Yes, it's an integral part of growing up, these "moving on" and "findng new people" things. It's just kind of scary, in a way, the sense of dissociation I will soon be feeling. The uprooting. Sigh. And it made me appreciate the people I have now. And it made me want to talk to Matt, for real. Well, that settled that then.

Anyway last night my homies and I went to go see Jack's Mannequin and Phantom Planet last night. It was solid, had a lot fo fun, met the latter but missed out on seeing the former (shit. I wanted Andrew McMahon to sign my converse! D: ) twas all good, though. It managed to pull me out of the horrible terrible no-good very-bad week-long funk. and, um, I got a t-shirt? so, like. Fly.

school looms on the horizon. the final year of high school, before I go off to college in what will hopefully be the almighty Bawstin. My friends are all stoked out of their little heads, but I'm not nearly as excited as I'm supposed to be. I mean, the whole "WE OWN THE SCHOOL" appeal really only works to them who, with their infinately magical success-genes somehow managed to nab class officer, activities council, respective club and sports team leadership positions (and all the AP, and community outreach stuff.) blah. fuck it, in any case. I still feel like a dweeby freshman, right back where I started from- no boyfriend, no clique security, no real social group, no sense of belonging, let alone a sense of closure. I'm nto expecting to become little miss popularity, but I feel as if I'm missing some sort of vital component that is supposed to maked me psyched out the butt.

but in my infinate teen-esque hubris and arrogance, I like to think that the thing that impedes my sense of belonging is less an awkwardness nd more an infinate coolness and maturity, which would explain the fact that I'm unfazed that Jimmy and Allison did it in the Main Building second-floor stairwell, or that Marty gave Dave head in the guidance councilor's office, or that talk of prom bores me, or that I've only ever been attracted to males who are five years older than me. My enthusiasm for high school has for a long time been feigned, but maybe that's not a bad thing. maybe it makes me, like, totally awesome.

blah.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 04:22:20 GMT

because the things is, I find that I only ever blog when I am hurt or thinking about a boy or complaining about friends. It's like some people with religion- the second they feel they've got something to gain, or they've lost something, or if they've watched too much "inspirational television" they immediately rush to kneel in the pews, with a sudden rejuvenated spirit that will probably flicker and die within the months. An opiate to the masses, as Marx would say. Only blogging ridiculously is the opiate to my masses. Or mass, rather. Yep.

And if I were to come by here and try to let out a wail of anxiety like I usually do, a waterfall of tears, a tornado of girly emotion, here's what we'd fine- a pathetic little whimper, or a trickle from a leaky pipe, or a gentle breeze on a summer's day. Nothing extreme. I am at a very emotional flatline right now.

A lot of the ridiculous anxieties people seem to be going through right now, I haven't got. I know what school I want to go to, and that I can probably get into it. And all this drama, this "who is going out with who?" junk. I can pretend to give a crap about it during the year, but in summer, when none of them are around and the ones I wish to avoid are so easily avoided? I'm not even going to put up a front for this one, guys. I don't really care if Miranda and Brian are on after being off for two weeks. I really really don't. I'm unreasonably calm and collected. How odd.

And it's not as if I'm bored and lonely all the time. There's always someone to call, and I've been hanging out with friends (SHOCK/AWE) multiple days a week, for the first time ever. I get to sleep. If I get bored, well... well there's lots to read and my brother just bot Buffy, the Complete Series and I'm only in the first trimester of season three and the will-they/won't-they Buffy-Angel drama is just KILLING ME (and don't laugh, because we are all allowed our vices, aren't we Mr. Jacked off to vivid fantasies Math teacher during class one day / Ms. Straight, Christian lesboporno addict ?) Or I could bake. Or watch TV. Or fill out more job applications. The possibilities are endless.

In any case, just checking in to let you know I haven't died or gone narcoleptic or something.
fwee

Fresh and Dewey

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 03:54:15 GMT

I've been up lately.

I'm on good terms, finally, with people I've been waiting a long time to get on good terms with. I got perfect scores on both my AP tests. Blah blah.

I just survived a few weeks at a summer program at a college in a strange city, knowing absolutely no one. For the first time I can legitimately say I made my own friends, and did not rely on anyone else for it. The feeling is good. The experience was great, I had a good time. It also sort of made me appreciate my friends back home. I've only got a year left with them, really, but I missed them for the first time. I missed the immediate acceptance, the inside jokes, the music, the car rides.

For that time I was out of my element. Used to being the best in certain areas, I was plopped down in a classroom who were the best where they came from in those respective areas. I expected to be outshined, but I shined among many of my peers. I'm not as small a fish as I've always been thinking, maybe. I never realized it until my professors told me to my face. It was a shock I appreciated.

MAny of my peers are looking off at life after high school with marked anticipation, but at this point I feel grounded. I know where I want to be. I've fallen in love with a college I'm pretty sure I can get into. I've got safeties and all, but at this point... I'm pretty sure of myself. Cocky, even. It'd be funny if I didn't get in, considering my confidence.

This whole entry has been babbling and incomprehensible. S'alright.

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 22:28:31 GMT

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 06:26:47 GMT

why don't I post anymore?
I DUNNO WHY I DON'T POST ANYMORE
D:

Wed, 28 May 2008 03:01:15 GMT

clare and I are getting into a whole lot of fights lately.

and I can't have a schism, because I know, deep down,
if we were to get into a big fight,
everyone would take her side.

that's the kind of friends I have.
they would all choose her over me.
in a heartbeat.
in an instant.

it upsets me,
It's stupid and selfish and egotistical,
but I wish I knew I had one person I could rely on,
one person who would be on my side
were something to happen.

I don't, though.
That's the sad truth of it.
I don't.

Sun, 25 May 2008 04:25:18 GMT

a while ago I was wondering about my sexuality. Might I be lesbian? I mean, I haven't had a boyfriend yet, have I? And then I started imagining myself totally plowing down on certain people of the male persuasion. So I was all: "oh. oops. guess not."

I read somewhere that women with low self-esteem tend to have a lot of sex, while men with low self-esteem do not have as much. I kind of wonder about this- what does thinking about it but not jumping up and down to have it mean? What does it say about me? I'm not sure.

I have a friend who was talking about being unhappy. He kept rattling off all these symptoms and after thinking about it for a while I considered something someone told me- he's been in a relationship with this girl for a while, but they apparently have yet to have sex. I'm not sure if the gossip is true, but if it is, it makes so much sense. He's seeing all of his friends in fast and fleeting relationships have lots of stimulation in lots of forms, and he- who has been with the same girl for quite some time- has experienced none of it. I don't really think telling him "GO HAVE SEX NOW" is a good suggestion, but really. It might not even be that that is what the problem is. But when it all boils down to it I kind of think it might be at least part of it.

Mon, 12 May 2008 03:08:16 GMT

because nine times out of ten, whe among us can say with confidence exactly what he or she wants?

What is this about, self?
it's so wrong, it's so wrong, it's so wrong.

Sun, 11 May 2008 04:05:16 GMT

so like
blah blah blah stupid teenager stuff
I had one of my exams yesterday and another on Wednesday and the rest, not till June. soliiiid

so I pretty much don't have a prom date and prom is, like, tomorrow (not literally, not 'til Juny but everyone is talking about it already) so I'm essentially screwed. It's a little bit funny because last night I saw Jacob for the first time in forever and he showed no interest in me whatsoever, as opposed to last year when he was implying that he wanted to do stuff with me one weekend and I totally missed what he was implying and wound up looking like a jerk.

aaand it's funny how everyone is so ridiculously phony around Steph. This week she was all upset because "OHMYGAWD LIKE LIKE I think Matt's totally going to break up with meeeeee oh noooo" and Hannah and Nora and Pen were saying, "Oh no Steph! You're meant for eachother! you're srsly gonna be 2-GETHA 4-EVA blah blah lovey dovey" and then she smiled and said "OH THANKS GUYS" and they hugged and the second she went out of earshot Nora said, "I give them until two weeks into college" and Hannah said "You kidding? I give them until the first DAY of college." and I said "I don't think they'll last too long in the summer, past graduation." and Pen said "hah... you REALLY think they're going to last until graduation?" and it was all very jaded and ironic and stupid and funny and shallow.

I do think they'll last to graduation at least, though. They feed off of eachother. They're like leeches who suck on leeches. Emphasis of course on the "sucking" part. HuHAW. But as much as I love dear Matty and have started being friendlier with Steph (OMG IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED? LULZ TO DA MAXIMUM) it is the sad, sad truth. She wants to believe thet her life is like a movie, a totally perfect little ecosystem, and having someone like him makes it fit. And he likes the fact that she likes to cuddle all the time and that she luffs him oh-so-muchly.

Anyway.

So, Thursday was a class assembly. We had to get together to discuss events, and our president made a speech about what we're doing for our annual Senior Tribute Assembly in a few weeks, and how we're gonna help with some of their graduation hooplah as well. We tried to come up with a senior song, and someone settled on Buster Poindexter's "Hot, Hot, Hot" with us singing "08 08, 08 08" (instead of the usual 'ole ole, ole ole')

not corny at all, mates.

in any case
blaaah
stupid teenager stuff blah blah blah

Connection

Mon, 05 May 2008 02:57:07 GMT

Was the hurt back then worth what I have now?

Because if I hadn't been hurting then I wouldn't have jumped through hoops to make it better
and if I hadn't jumped through hoops, I maybe wouldn't have the people I have now.

thing ONE: thank you for making me feel important
thing TWO: thank you for making me feel unimportant
and thank you for indirectly answering my questions
and I'm sorry for being Debbie Downer

that is all.

Sun, 04 May 2008 21:04:14 GMT

sorry for spooking everyone with my angst. I'm not going to kill myself
I just get a little
emotional
sometimes

KNOW WHAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER THOUGH for a while?
it was actually something in an online medium

A_Q made me her Highlit Member for the week on ZU! omgz yay! :3

Thu, 01 May 2008 01:09:34 GMT

Oh my goodness.

Lily and Matt always have the capacity to make me feel better

Lily called me and sang me a song over the phone
and Matt gave me a bag of all the really old jelly beans he didn't eat this past easter. Obviously, they were the really nasty flavours like fava beans and pumpernickle.

I feel like slightly less of a loser.
Emphasis ON: [i]slightly.[/i]

ever seen the show MASH? y'know the theme song? well...

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 00:36:35 GMT

I haven't seriously considered suicide in a while.

It's been less from a moral standpoint, and less that things have improved- it's been more like, "well I can't die just yet 'cause I've got shit to do." But you know what? I just don't care anymore.

Because, who am I kidding? What have I got to look foreward to? I'll never make friends. I'll never find love. I'll never be successful, and no one will ever like me. I'll live broke and alone, and be miserable to boot. Any Ivy Lage aspirations I've got are just going to be a waste of tuition money, anyway.

I used to be all weepy and say, "oh, might as just kill myself, no one will miss me when I'm gone anyway." But I know that's not entirely true. Sure, there will be a lot of people who honestly won't give a flying fuck that I'm gone from the school community. But those I knew will get all pensive and weepy for a while, feeling like it was their fault, crying, "I knew her more than anybody!" or "if only I'd seen the signs, I could have pervented it!"

But eventually they'll just sort of realize they didn't know me or care that much and move on. I'll be recalled periodically and people will occasionally be sad- but the fact of the matter is that my death wouldn't have a profound effect on anyone. I can't think of one person that would be truely, deeply upset if I were to take my own life. There would be people that would think they care or pretend to care, but I can't think of anyone that, at the end of the day, would be a changed person if I were to die.

Not my own best friends. Friendships like the ones I have are temporary. They'll find someone or some people who will fill the void soon enough.

Not my family. Everyone I'm related to had made it evedent that I haven't really got much value in the scheme of things. And when it coems to my immediate family- my parents can, as always, focus on my eprfect younger sister. And my siblings have lives. It'd be no biggie, at the end of the day.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it.
I'm just saying I'm having a hard time finding a reason not to.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 00:16:42 GMT

Hey, I undeleted my livejournal

HEY WATS UP WITH THAT :D

A Methodical, Scientific Analysis on the Basis, Complexities and Consequences of my Present State

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 22:51:13 GMT

Alright, now I have many feelings of anger and angst that have been welling up inside of me for almost a week now, so I'm going to get them out in an organized and civil manne-

ALRIGHT SCREW IT FUCK YOU, AAAAAAARRRGHHHH

you make me to mad! all of you! what the FUCK was up with Friday? What the FUCK, huh? We made those fuckingplans TOGETHER and I'm gone from school for ONE DAY and you just decide to invite a million people along WITHOUT ASKING me and then change the time they're at, and the place, and what we're doing, and NOT BOTHER TO CALL ME TO FINALIZE IT and NOT ANSWER MY TEXTS and NOT PICK UP WHEN I CALL YOU?! I mean, fuck, I coun't fucking get a hold of ANY OF YOU until Sunay fucking afternoon?! and you fucking WENT to one of my BEST FRIEND'S UNCLES WAKE withOUT ASKING ME if I WANTED TO GO? I don't blame her for not talling me when it is, because she was in mourning, but YOU GUYS, you didn't take even ONE FUCKING SECOND to consider that MAYBE, one of her BEST FRIENDS wanted to go? and then you all go out afterwards, without, me and nobody took a FUCKING SECOND to ask the FUCKING QUESTION if I wanted to be there for her or anything?! NOBODY FUCKING TOLD ME, AARGH

and then I RUN IN to ALL of you guys, TOGETHER, on SUNDAY FUCKING AFTERNOON 'cause you NEVER told me when you were going to the play, so I just SHOWED UP not expecting to see anybody, and you just FUCKING STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT AROUND ME, all this THIS I wasn't included in, talking about the STUPID INSIDE JOKES and all the fucking OMFG HILLARIOUS, RITE (!?!??!!??!?!?!???1/1/1/1?1/1!) stories and NOT EVEN FUCKING CONSIDERING FOR ONCE that MAYBE I was a little bit INSULTED that you had the GALL to MAKE PLANS, FORGET TO INVITE ME, ANDE THEN TALK ABOUT THEM OBSESSIVELY AROUND ME AFTERWARDS. Maybe? Maybe that was why I was growing PROGRESSIVELY ANGRIER all fucking DAY today, and MAYBE that's why I was down, but MAYBE you could have ASKED me about it and GOTTEN SOME KIND OF ANSWER, rather than talking about me behind my BACK in the fucking GIRLS BATHROOM and NOT FUCKING KNOWING that I was overhearing you talk about what a "BORING SHIT" I was being lately. EVER FUCKING THINK FOR A SECOND I T'S YOUR FAULT?!

No. of course not. Of COURSE not. How would you EVER come to a conclusion like that? Because you don't fucking KNOW ME. You don't know a GODDAMN THING ABOUT ME. You don't know what my favourite songs are, what my favourite stores and clothes are, what my political views are, what my hobbies are, what my aspirations are, what my insecurities are, who I aspire to be like, and who I like. Because you never fucking asked. You never ask. You just assume you know things, despite the fact that you never took the five seconds to ask.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 18:01:57 GMT

It's been a pretty twists-and-turnsy couple of days, charactarised by mostly downs with a handful of ups.

I'm sick, I'm feeling left out of things, I'm pissed at my friends, I'm pissed at myself, I'm pissed at just everyone. After a day of inactivity on Friday (I was too sick for school, I woke up unable to talk or breathe through my nose) I filled up with activities for the whole weekend to try to whittle away at my disdain.

I'm just angry about shit that I can't talk about, because I'll be making a big deal about something small. And I know I'm making a big deal about something small. People get ignored and shut out of things all the time. It's just, after one day out of school, it's like I don't even exist.

Ugh.
Agh.
Eegh.

And I really want to talk to someone about it- anyone- but no one is going to want to hear it, because I'll just wind up sounding like a brat. You know what's weird though? There's only one person I want to talk to, one person I want to spill it all to, one person I want to rant and rave and speculate to and stuff.

And all I've been doing is pushing him away. Tomorrow, I will put a smile on for five minutes and take him up on his offer. I feel so stupid. We was reaching out to me and I pulled away. He was telling me I'm unique, and I'm special, and I'm smart, and he takes into consideration my opinions. He tried to trust ne with something he's not even trusting his best friends with. Or his girlfriend.

What the [i]hell[/i] was I [i]thinking,[/i] saying no?!

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:32:55 GMT

ZU forum's April Fool's Day Prank = epic lulz

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 19:45:41 GMT

blah blah blah
I'm kind of wondering what this is.
I'm kind of wondering if he's thinking what I'm thinking.
I wonder if he knows it's uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he does know that, and is acting up anyway?

But it doesn't matter.
He's making the choice not to choose.
He'll never go after anything he wants.
Doesn't have the balls.

It might be misunderstanding, though.
Probably is.
It's just that every time

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:51:04 GMT

All over the internet on places like myspace and facebook, you find lists of things that discuss "DA BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GRL." they usually contain things such as "shopping <3" and "cute movies" and "grrl's nite out!" and "talkin bour ur feelings" but the best one never seems to be on there:

NOT GETTING HARD-ONS.

No one knows when you're turned on- or, at elast, it's not as easy to figure it out. If I see something that I find to be ridiculously sexy, I don't have to undergo the embaressment of advertising it the the world.

Bow chicka-bow-BOWWW.

From what I'm told, it's an advantage second only to "multiple orgasms."

We'll see.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 00:07:15 GMT

hysterical, crying, sobbing, gasping "nobody likes me everybody hates me my life's a mess" mental breakdown in the bathroom at the beginning of last period today

then I redid my make up and went back out there and the remainder of the last class was actually quite good

I guess sometimes things just work out

Tell Me Something.

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:32:53 GMT

At what point does someone become a "best friend?" What are the prerequisites? What are the guidelines? Does there have to be time and simmilar interests and friends in common? Does there have to be loads of inside jokes and memories and stuff?

I'm curious. I think I was absent on the day everyone learned how to make friends in kindergarten. So? Somebody fill me in.